WHO IS THE GREATEST STALKER IN THE RUNNING MAN?

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Sub-Zero
4
18%
Buzzsaw
2
9%
Dynamo
7
32%
Fireball
9
41%
 
Total votes: 22

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The Time Keeper
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WHO IS THE GREATEST STALKER IN THE RUNNING MAN?

Post by The Time Keeper »

Image

First off, all discussion of "The Running Man" will revolve entirely around the movie and not the book/short story/whatever the shit it was based on. Reading is for assholes.

First up we have Sub-Zero, played by Professor Toru Tanaka, also known as Charles Kalani. This dude's deal is that he skates around and chops shit with his hockey stick. He also traps that gawky quizbowl player-looking motherfucker in the goal trap thing. That's right, in what is undoubtedly a brilliant casting move, they assign the hockey gimmick to the Pacific Islander of the group. Now, I'm not sure how many Hawaiians play in the NHL, because hockey is a shitty sport and its fans are pretty much universally douchebags, but I have to imagine that they can't make up more than .001% of the NHL's rosters. Do those people even know what ice is?

How he dies: Arnold wraps part of a barbed-wire fence around his neck and pulls. Bitch drops like a huge Hawaiian rock (which I guess would be a pineapple or some shit)
Stupid ass Arnold line related to his death:
"Hey Killian! Here is Sub-Zero...now...plain zero!"

Alternate line:
Asshole: Sure glad we took care of Sub-Zero!
Arnold: Yeah, he was a real pain in the neck!




Next up is Buzzsaw. He isn't the most original character, but he's pretty goddamn cool nonetheless. He rides around on a motorcycle and keeps bitches in line by hacking into them with a chainsaw. Buzzsaw is the character responsible for killing Arnold's black compatriot, thus ensuring that he will receive the Frankel vote.

How he dies: After being forced from his motorcycle, he and Arnold grapple and struggle for control of the chainsaw. Arnold eventually wins through and delivers some badass (and curiously arousing) chainsaw-to-groin action.

Stupid ass Arnold line related to his death:
Annoying bitch: "What happened to Buzzsaw?"
Arnold: "He had to split."



Third we have Dynamo. This fat sack of fat loves two things: opera, and zapping the shit out of everything he sees. Dynamo is probably the worst of the stalkers as not only does he get killed by a woman, but we have to witness his tubby ass flopping around in tighty-whities while it happens. Soon after Dynamo encounters Arnold his goofy-ass DynamoCar thingy gets flipped over and Dynamo becomes trapped. Arnold lets him live for some stupid ass reason and he later reappears only to be humiliated by a girl.

How he dies: While locked in a baffling struggle over a gun with the 500 pounds-lighter Maria Conchita Something Spanishname, a spray of bullets triggers the sprinkler system, causing Zappy McDipshit to become electrocuted. As Arnold isn't present during his death, there is no shitty one-liner to commemorate Dynamo's arrival at the big electrified bacon house in the sky.



The last stalker to actually fight Arnold is Fireball. You may know him better as Jim "Badass Motherfucker" Brown. Fireball comes equipped with a flamethrower and a career average 5.2 yards per carry. He isn't on screen for very long before getting blown the fuck up (PROBABLY BECAUSE OF HOLLYWOOD RACISM), but he is the source for a couple fantastic lines from our hero.

How he dies: Arnold yanks the gas line on his flamethrower and presumably gas goes all over the goddamn place. Arnold then tosses a flare at him and Fireball gets lit up like Richard Pryor.

Stupid ass Arnold line related to his death:
(Prior to throwing the lit flare on the gas-covered Fireball)
"How about a light?"
(Following the explosion)
"What a hothead!"


I chose not to include Captain Freedom because he pusses out and doesn't fight due to his rightful dislike of the shitty looking toaster-oven armor deal he's supposed to wear. Since he and Arnold never really throw down, he cannot be included in this poll.

Also, I propose that Richard Dawson has gotten more game show pussy than anyone else in the business. The man is the epitome of suave and I would give my left nut to have half the charm of this dashing motherfucker.

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Post by Rothlover »

Man, I love running man. Gotta be the only Maria Conchita-Alonso film I've seen at least 8 times. Dynamo was the best character in that film, and he reminds me of a few quiz bowlers, except for the fact that the massive quizbowlers tend to have more love for three Carl's Jr burgers than they do for three oranges.

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AKKOLADE
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Post by AKKOLADE »

voted fireball because he was pretty awesome
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Nine-Tenths Ideas
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Post by Nine-Tenths Ideas »

I was reading the topic when something caught my interest:
Prof. Toru Tanaka!

He was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Also, Fireball.
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creed_of_hubris
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Post by creed_of_hubris »

WTF where is Captain Freedom?

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Post by Rothlover »

Pat makes a convincing argument for his not being in the poll. You might be blinded by Jesse Ventura's star power, films like Abbraxas can do that to a guy.

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Post by Nine-Tenths Ideas »

Rothlover wrote:Pat makes a convincing argument for his not being in the poll. You might be blinded by Jesse Ventura's star power, films like Abbraxas can do that to a guy.
"I'm looking for a special kind of man. A wo-man."
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Post by e_steinhauser »

Voting for Captain Freedom would sort of be like choosing sideline reporter Steve Tasker as the greatest athlete on the field during a Texans-Raiders game. It might be true, but it sort of goes against the spirit of the question.

I had to go with Dynamo for the simple reason that he was relatively the most successful of the stalkers during Arnold & Co.'s run. He scores the kill against Weiss and comes darn close two other times to offing Amber. While ultimately doomed to an ignomious death by sprinkler, he does accomplish more than the others. Yes, Buzzsaw scores the kill against Yaphet Kotto, but it's a lingering death, not the insta-kill Dynamo registers.

I'd rank them:
1. Dynamo
2. Buzzsaw
3. Sub-Zero
4. Fireball
--eps

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