VCU is a terrible school

[canaanbananarama]

Nick Polk said it once and I and you can certainly agree with the sentiment. We are about to face two more national tournaments in which this abomination of quizbowl teams is allowed to compete based on fraudulent, lousy reasons such as them being better than most of the teams or they actually qualified. NAQT's lack of diligence in making their tournament exclusive of "terrible schools" has brought us to the brink of shame and an invalid tournament. Yes, we've come to a tournament where the non-presence of Seth Teitler has made the field as wide open and full of good, but not great teams as possible. But when Jeff Hoppes and I last year made a blood brothers pact over a bottle of Kwiatkowski vodka (the only bottle of Polish vodka available to contain three feathers of the red-breasted flycatcher blessed by the late Pope, John Paul II) to exclude the teams featured on Nick Polk's hiphop trance song "These Schools are Terrible," sorry, Jeff, but I expect you to be proactive. I mean, it isn't that hard. VCU's gone. So are a lot of high schools in the downtown LA area where the tactic of asking "Do you want to polk an actual member of the Polk Texas annexing dynasty?" "No, I don't mean on Facebook, like, wait, what the hell, don't get security involved in this." So is the Chris Ray School of Bartending, which doesn't even exist, but you wanted to pre-emptively strike against because that screwdriver Chris Ray made you puke on a Bangkok lady boy. So are various traffic schools in Cook County. The point is, Jeff, you failed. NAQT and ACF have gone entirely against their principles in allowing this terrible school into the tournament.

We can do something to fix this. NAQT, on your own dollar, can fly teams out to an indistinct city, let's say Topeka, and have VCU play in a play-in game against a like terrible college. USC. Mik Larsen can be hunted down, get him to Topeka. Unfortunately, Yogesh Raut was caught in a firefight between Mexican drug cartels trying to figure out whether their Facebook responses to pushing "like" on the word "narcotics" actually reflected their true feelings of members of their profession. However, I have a yellow fever certificate in my possession which has a stamp on it confirming the bearer's carrying of the disease and a stamp in Slovakian which denies the bearer entry into that country. I will anthromorphize that certificate and tell it tossups that will be in the packet, and register its own blog so it can complain about not getting those tossups afterwards. For Nick Polk, elitist ancient Near East scholar, I will illogically write a one page essay in Arabic using the boustrephedon technique despite it making no sense about why VCU is a terrible school. Then, the final member of the team, former Tunisian president Zine El-Abidine Ben 'Ali, will before the match, open the canopis jar containing Nick Polk's essay, and translate into English, in front of VCU players, the essay which will so dashingly scathe them. Samer Ismail, unbeknownst to you all as a long time member of Tunisian intelligence, will be present holding a gun to George Berry's head, under the instructions to seriously wound Berry if the letter does not provide convincing tears.

This is the only way we can save NAQT ICT from bearing an enormous mark of shame this year. This is nothing to discredit the VCU players, who I'm sure are wonderful people, and their coach/feelings counselor Matt Weiner, who I hope will use this season to move on to coaching a non-terrible school. However, these people do not play for noted school which Nick Polk believes isn't terrible, Duke. And while I know nothing about actual quizbowl results, because as NAQT has so clearly shown, they don't matter! Duke plays in a conference with bruisers like Chris Ray and SteveJon Guth and Will Butler and Stephen Webb and all those kids from Dorman. Who does VCU have as competition? Zach Foster? Last I heard, he was getting cleaned up by Chris Ray at hosting, noted Chris Ray weakness. It's simple, we should stop coddling to these teams from the mid-majors because they have feel good stories and run small tournaments with universities that a retarded Alabaman can actually drunkenly acknowledge by a nod of his head.

Sincerely,
Charles Meigs
ESPN Deportes Quizbowl Analyst

P.S. None of this distaste for VCU comes from the fact that working for ESPN Deportes, I am relatively excluded from attending or reporting on or being in any way relevant to ICT or ACF Nationals. I once passed through Raleigh, NC on a bus, and I smelled for the only time in my life, victory. Admittedly it does smell a lot like chewing tobacco, shit, and crystal meth, but that's what victory smells like according to Tacitus (I read about him in a book mentioning Mike Krzyzewski's demoralizing of African-American recruit Tacitus Moore, who eventually went on to commit suicide after transferring to North Carolina A&T), so fuck everyone else. And as for ACF Nationals, we'll find a suitable way for VCU to properly qualify for this tournament, even though there are no qualification rules. Viva la reviolación de cita!

[Important Bird Area]

We can do something to fix this.

[Frater Taciturnus]

Samer Ismail, unbeknownst to you all as a long time member of Tunisian intelligence, will be present holding a gun to George Berry's head, under the instructions to seriously wound Berry if the letter does not provide convincing tears.

This part is actually not a joke. Send Help. Please.

[The Ununtiable Twine]

Samer Ismail, unbeknownst to you all as a long time member of Tunisian intelligence, will be present holding a gun to George Berry's head, under the instructions to seriously wound Berry if the letter does not provide convincing tears.

This part is actually not a joke. Send Help. Please.

VCU will win the title Time to celebrate GO SHAKA GO This is awesome, I'm a fan of VCU forever

[Whiter Hydra]

what is this i dont even

[dyetman89]

what is this i dont even

This, Harry, is three jugs of rakia in a lonely Bosnian brothel.

[Lightly Seared on the Reality Grill]

If only UAB had a team...

[QuizBowlRonin]

If only UAB had a team...

Say what?